So much for the life-changing experience

Wow... I can't believe it's been over two weeks since I last posted.  I guess I have just been that busy and not that preoccupied with cancer-related stuff....  Good.  Also, my computer decided to bite the dust a couple weeks ago, so posting requires using my iPhone or borrowing my husband's computer, both of which require a tiny bit more effort...

Anyway, it has really been bothering me lately is how "back to normal" things are.  As I was going through treatment, I kept making myself promises... like... Once I'm done with treatment I'll make a point to exercise more.  or... Once I'm done with treatment I'll start planning healthier menus and eat better.  or... Once I'm done with treatment I'll make a point to leave work at a decent time and spend more time with my husband.  or... Once I'm done with treatment I'll become an advocate for cancer awareness.  or... Once I'm done with treatment I'll stay active on the cancer forums and help out others going through tough times.  etc. etc. etc.

I am just failing miserably at every single one of my promises to myself. 

I have gotten back into the same rut I was in before the cancer came back.  I'm working over 40 hour weeks and coming home later and later (although not nearly as late as before).  I don't stay on top of my narcolepsy meds (or maybe that's just my excuse), so I tend to get tired easily at nights and on weekends.   When I do get home from work, instead of exercising or being active, I do a minimal amount of chores and then just lay around the house the rest of the night.  On the weekends I lay around a lot too.  Again, I could be exercising, whether that would entail using the elliptical machine, or just being active and leaving the house.  I could be making more effort to spend time participating in my husbands hobbies, like his RC helicopter/airplanes.  You would think getting cancer would be a great motivator to start being active, but apparently it wasn't for me.

In the same vein, I'm upset with my eating choices.  I continue to make unhealthful meals, just because I know my husband will like them (or at least that's my excuse).  Half of our meals during the week consist of quesadillas, pizza, hot dogs, fried food, etc.  For someone who enjoys cooking as much as I do, you would expect I would find the time to make better meals.  I really WANT to... but by the time I get ready to go grocery shopping on the weekends, I rush to put together a menu and fall back to the easy, unhealthful meals.  I also know that I've been tending to come home later, so I want to make sure whatever I decide to make won't take a lot of time.  Excuses, excuses...

I'm also upset at my lack of advocacy.  I tend to keep quiet about my disease, other than to give updates with how I'm feeling to the people who ask.  Did you guys know April is Oral Cancer Awareness month?  There are other folks I've befriended on facebook and various forums and they're hosting free screenings at their dentists or getting articles featured about them in their local newspaper or even putting together awareness walks.  What am I doing?  Nothing.  I haven't even blogged in two weeks to be an advocate to the folks that are already listening.  I've stopped checking up on the oral cancer forums and I feel bad that I haven't been on there to offer advice to people going through treatment now.  During treatment, I joined the i2y (I'm too young for this) cancer foundation - Arizona branch group on facebook.  The plan was to try to be active with that group and to possibly go to some of the meet-ups, even if they were in Phoenix....  but I haven't even looked at their facebook page in weeks.  I've also been a hypocrite when it comes to cancer prevention.   I get so angry when I see people smoking, yet I never bother to use that as an opportunity to talk to them about how much cancer sucks and that they should stop.  I get angry when I hear about people using tanning beds, yet again, I never say anything.  Additionally, I KNOW I should be a big proponent on using sunscreen, yet the other weekend I decided to go pull weeds in my front yard, and I didn't even bother to put sunscreen on my back.  I got a pretty bad sunburn there and was just super embarrassed when I had to see my MO a few days later.  You would think of all people I would know better.

I don't know what it's going to take for me to make these changes in my life.  I really want to be a better person.  I want to live a healthy lifestyle and I want to be an advocate for my disease, but for some reason I just can't get motivated.  You would think going through all this cancer crap would have been a life-changing experience.  I suppose I need to focus on making these changes one at a time.  Maybe I was just overwhelmed with trying to fulfill all my promises at once.  Hopefully over time I can become the healthy oral cancer-advocate that I aspire to be.